From Marcus and Me, by Jay Edson
While we waited I noticed a boy who was with a man. Well, I think it was a boy. That's what was so interesting to me. I couldn't really tell for sure. He looked like he was just a little older than me. He had hair that went down to his shoulders -- but it wasn't all scraggly like a hippie might wear it. It was clean, neat, and combed. He wore a bright red t-shirt and blue jeans with some flowers embroidered on the back pocket and down the sides of the legs. And he had a necklace of beads around his neck. I say he, because that's what I finally decided he was. But I tried a trick in my mind while I watched him. I would say to myself that I was looking at a girl, and it looked just like a girl. She was a little bit boyish but still very pretty. Then I told myself that I was looking at a boy. And he was still very pretty.
If it was a girl she wasn't getting any breasts yet. I could see her shape through the t-shirt. I stared at the crotch to see whether there might be a bulge there that would solve the mystery. I thought I could see a little bulge, and that's why I finally decided it was a boy. But his jeans weren't that tight so it was hard to be sure. Whatever he was, I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
Lots of people think kids at the age I was then don't have sex feelings, but I can tell you they are wrong. I saw lots of people that got me sexed up when I was eleven, and even younger. Some were girls and some were boys. Sometimes a picture of a man or a woman would do the same thing. Whenever I got a chance to, I looked at pictures of naked people. There were hard to come by at the The Home, where anything that had to do with sex was against the rules. I mean it was so much against the rules we didn't even need rules about it.
Anyhow what got me so excited about this guy was that you couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl. He was both. It was like he grew up to a certain age when a person has to choose to be a boy or a girl and he decided not to choose. That was how I wanted to be. I didn't understand that until I saw this boy. I had always been confused about what I really wanted to be. Sometimes in the bathtub I would hold my privates down between my legs in a certain way so you couldn't see them, and I would imagine what it would be like to be a girl. But other times I really liked having a dick and wouldn't have chosen to be a girl for anything. Now I knew what I wanted, even though I didn't know a name for it. I wanted to be this in-between thing that was both a boy and a girl. That way I could wake up one morning and say, "Hey, it's good to be a girl," and wake up the next morning and say, "Hey, it's good to be a boy."